Stop and think

Oh my gosh!!! What have I been doing???

I was dreaming of being being a doctor
I was dreaming of being pampered
I was dreaming of being surrounded by loved ones
I was dreaming of spending all my Christmas and New Year with mum, dad, nick n koko
I was dreaming...

I open my eyes,
I see them being doctors, engineers, musicians, models...
I see them with the people they love
I see them reaching their dreams
I see them there

And I??
I am here.. wondering if I choose the right path
The road that I have been through was hard
So many people I have hurt
And dream as a doctor is becoming vaguer each day
I am at a place where I am most uncertain about life

Am I in the right place??

Flash

There is a saying that people come and go in our lives like seasons.

I saw my facebook, I have so many names under my friend’s list. Wow, do I know them all? Do I have that many friends? Indeed, I do know them and I know more people than what it listed

Many of them, I just know by name or had one or two conversation before. Most of them are friends by group like high school, church, university, and other organization or workplace where I was in before. And through those groups, I have made some good friends.

I look back and I still remember clearly those people who have made my life and contribute to the person I am now. They have moved on with their lives and so did I. God does put new people around me. He does not leave me alone neither my friends. I am thankful for the people that He put surrounding me now.

But at this moment, I want to remember them. I want to remember those memories back on those days. I miss them. I miss you ci Febi, I miss you pampering me, sharing stories and just relax together. I miss you Etlana, Editha, and Christy, the time we hang out, gossiping, laughing, stories, jokes, food, talking about books, guys, etc. I miss you Dumbai and Casie, I miss our jokes that only us can understand-even when a word mentioned now, we can still remember back and laugh. I miss you Esther-sharing bible verses, prayer, spending so much time together in personal meeting, OCF leaders meeting, Friday night, comp lab, meal together, and many more. I miss you Shirley- I miss the time we can hang out and joke freely and our time with others too. I miss the spontaneity of Jess and her cheerful attitude. I miss you guys.

I miss dede too. I so miss you. I miss hanging out with you and cella. I miss laughing at you, piggy back by you, massaged by you, teasing you, watching movies with you and you driving me around. I miss Jenny with her “cacad”. I miss so many things in the past. I do!!

Currently, I feel that life is hard, but I do believe that future will be better. I am certain of it. I just need endurance and perseverance. I also need to believe that He who started it is faithful and He will carry me to completion.

It's not end yet!!

Started the year with physical work that gave me sore body and swollen hands
Did five papers in the first semester and part time work on weekends
Did second semester of third year plus 13-17 hours of work per week
Had tree planting work that drain all the energy and ache the body
Grandma left just before my exam
Unable to spend another summer at home

Man!! I am super tired.. I am!!!

But, I am thankful...

I am thankful for all the opportunity
I am thankful for all the job that I got and the study that I was able to complete
I am thankful for the strength to do them
I am thankful for the people that pray for be and bear with me
I am thankful for all the friendship that I made through them
I am thankful for His faithfulness
I am thankful for His sustanance
I am thankful for His love

I think... I am blessed!!!

But, I still want some rest!! hehe

Goodbye

I know that life on earth is temporary
I know that one day each person life will come to an end
But it will be the beginning of life with our Father in heaven
And that moment will be a joyful one

Yet, hearing that you leave...
It gave me a big grieve
I do not know that you will go this soon
I had hope to see you again (that's what the doctor n mum promised me)

But you leave...
without me apologizing
without me telling you how much your life and your love mean to me
without me telling how pretty you are
without me telling that you have the best smile in the world
without me saying that I love you
without me saying goodbye...

They said I should rejoice...
because you are free from pain now
because you are with the Father
and because we will be together again in heaven

However, I wish I could have seen your smile one more time and said goodbye to you
I believe you watch me now. And I want to tell you that I love you.
And I will find you when I go to heaven next time..

Goodbye emak..

Everyone makes mistake in their lives.. So do I.
And I apologised. So, don't you think I deserve a second chance?

My heart

Hhmmm...
I think I have two big hearts.
My first heart quite big to fulfil my big body needs. This heart pumps my blood to fulfil the need of oxygen of my every single cells in my body. Heart that has been working really hard to keep me thinking, study, do my work, growing and be who I am physically. And I am not quite sure if I have taken care well of this heart of mine. However, I admit that this heart is important physiologically.

My second heart which some say is quite big too is a heart that is important for me for my psycology, my character and my life for eternity. Yes, heart that has more important duty then just pumping blood (again, this is also important).

They say I have big heart to love many many many people. Indeed, there are so many in my life that I love - different love for each person with different intensity.
I love my family so much. I love mum, dad, my sister and my brother. And I would give anything I have if they want it (as long as I dont sin against God), except my life cause it belongs to my LORD.
I love my best friends in Singapore though they are far from me. I love Esther. i love Grace. I love Daniel. I love ci Natalia. I love ci Febi. I love Casie. I love Nyari. I even love ci Intan. I love Joo. I love Jung. I love Della. I love aunty Gloria and Pastor. I love OCF and there are just too many people whom I love. I love to many until my brain is not capable to think of them all. My time is not sufficient to be spent with them all. My stregth is very limited. But inside my heart, I know deeply that I love them. I love them so much and I know I would not like my life without each of them.

Even after all that description, I state boldly that my love is full of flaws. My love is very very very limited. It is FULL of FLAWS. My love cannot make me do much for those whom I love. My love often cannot overcome the pain I got.

But there is one being that love me wholly. His love is flawless. He loves me no matter what. His love conquers all. His love sustains me. His love remains the same even when my love for him fails. He loves me and watches me when I use all my time to study. He loves me and guides me when I use all my time to work. He loves me and guards me when I use all my time to ignore him. He loves me even when all I love is myself. He loves me and helps me carrying my burden even when I am complaining carrying little burden that is left. His love gives me hope. He takes me when I fall and he looks at me with his loving eyes. He even died for my sins. And He never regrets loving me. He is loving me joyfully.

WHAT SO UNDESRVED LOVE...

And I am telling you, this love is not only for me.. It is also for you. It is enough for everyone and it is still complete and perfect!

Teach me Lord, with all the love that I have.. with all my heart, I want to love you first and foremost. And with this love that you have given me, I want to love others so that they may know your love. Let them see that my love is imperfect and only yours is perfect. So that your name will be glorified!! To you the praise forever and ever!!

Where he found me

I dont know how far have I travelled
How many turns have I passed
How many mountains have I climbed
How many valleys I have gone

I dont know how many memories in my head
How much tears I have shed
How much laughter I have had
How much jokes I have said

I dont know how many people do I know
How many of them has visited my life
How many have make me cry or laugh
How many have left their footprints in my life

I have no idea how life has been really good or harsh to me

But no matter where I am
No matter what I am going through
No matter how friends come and go in my life
No matter how people look at me
No matter how many times I have failed
No matter where I go or what I do

You can always find me when I am lost
You love me the same
You give me this hope
that one day, I will be with you forever

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen